Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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