Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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