Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
