i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
