I can text with my tongue
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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