Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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