He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize