My friends, they love my intelligence
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
