My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
