so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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