Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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