I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Boobs speak an international language.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
