I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
