I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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