All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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