Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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