He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
