Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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