Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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