dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
