i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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