I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize