Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Acid is not a monday night drug
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She bit a glass in half.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I supernannyed him into submission
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
