I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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