Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
