oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
