Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
