I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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