After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
