the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
