I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
