Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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