we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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