The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
