my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
