Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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