Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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