I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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