Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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