just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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