If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
