oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
