omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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