if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
