Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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