HIV tests are more positive than that guy
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
