i wish my penis had a tongue
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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