That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
