i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
