Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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