Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
