Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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