i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
