My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
